This Used To Be Me

I used to write a lot about any random things and I'm surprised myself by how random my mind could be at times. This one is written on February 4, 2009.

"She said I'm not her star
Just because I couldn't sing twinkle twinkle little star
He said I'd much better be locked in a jar
Just because I threw him on a face with a strawberry jar

They said I'm no longer their shoulder
Just because I couldn't cry and make them feel better
You said I even get worse
Just because I'm never able to ride a horse

So, what is a star?
Something hanging in the sky so far?
What is a jar?
Some place to lock somebody like me in?
Well, what is a shoulder?
Some place of mine for them to put all the burdens on?
And what is better?
Some word used to defeat you in any way forever?

Okay, stop questioning!
Too many questions only make them ask for some action
And I know I can't pay attention
Just because I got nothing to lie on.."

Don't ask what this is all about cause the only thing I remember about this writing is that I wrote it at school, in English class and I posted it on Facebook.

Don't Read; It's About You

"You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.

And I thought what I felt was simple,
And I thought that I don't belong,
And now that I am leaving,
Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
Yeah, I missed you.

And you say I only hear what I want to...
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
Or to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative... no, no, no.

So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
And this woman was singing my song...
The lover's in love, and the other's run away,
The lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
Dying since the day they were born.
Well, this is not that...
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.

You try to tell me that I'm clever,
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

You said that I was naive,
And I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
But now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

You said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go."
"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose.
And you say, "stay."

You say I only hear what I want to.."

(Stay (I Missed You) - New Found Glory [Lisa Loeb Cover])

It's funny how one can stay in mind for, like, ever ever after. It's weird how one can change the whole things up. It's awesome how one's voice can still be echoing through the room...or mind? But it's fair to know that you're doing okay...even if it's without me. Go, Kiddo :)

I Have

I've read. I've heard. I've seen. And I've learned.
From everything that you said and burned
From everything that you kept and told
From everything that we swore and wrote.
Was it all better than this?

I've watched. I've touched. I've hurt. And I've dreamt.
Watched you bleed yourself. Hurt myself to sleep.
Touched your deepest heart. Dreamt about a future art.
Was it all worse than this?
Could we turn back the time just to please?

I know what it's all about. It's all about us.
Us; We used to stand on the line together
Us; We used to laugh in return together
Us; We used to be in the same tune together
Could we take the word back?
And this time; put in the right order
Just so we won't stand divided by a border.. anymore.

At The End

"Think of all the things I do
And I still hold the thought of you
With someone else I know its true
So far away

And I can only hold my breath
And start to die a lonely death
With you and me and all the rest
So far away

Don't say I told you so
One thing you'll never know

You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person that I believed in yesterday (X2)

I can't hold it back you see
I know it all comes back to me
You must have practiced hard to be
So far away

Never wanted me to show
Just write me off I let you go
And now there's more for you to know
So far away

Don't say I told you so
One thing you'll never know

You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person that I believed in yesterday

You're not the same
You've changed
Something's missing anyway
You're not the person that I believed in yesterday

Don't say I told you so
One thing you'll never know

You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person that I believed in yesterday (X2).."

(Not The Same - Bodyjar)

You're not the same. You've changed too much. You've moved too fast. You've grown up too soon. You've forgotten too much but you remember too little. Bye ... for good.

March 26, 2010. 10.55 P.M.

i miss these people..

and these people..

and also these people..

i miss times like this..

and also times like this..

and this..

and this, too..

but this is what i miss the most..

i miss highschool so bad.

I've Got No Time For Feeling Sorry

"We still live in the same town, well don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore
I go to all the same places, not even a trace of you
Your days are numbered at 24

And I'm getting bored waiting 'round for you
We're not getting any younger
And I won't look back cause there's no use
It's time to move forward

I feel no sympathy, you live inside a cave
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry

I try not to think of what might happen
When your reality, it finally cuts through
Well as for me I got out and I'm on the road
The worst part is that this could be you

And you know it too
You can't run from your shame
You're not getting any younger
And time keeps passing by
But you wave it away
It's time to roll over

And all the best lies
They are told with fingers tied
So cross them tight, won't you promise me tonight
If it's the last thing you do you'll get out

I feel no sympathy, you live inside a cave
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry.."

(Feeling Sorry - Paramore)

i never get the point of revenge and i never put any vengeance in everyone. i swear its true. the thing is i just never forget about whatever people do to me, whether its good or bad. and this one; its for you who wasted me away twice and now you're in vain. the whole damn world knows you are gone have moved on but they'll just never forget your past ... just like i do. may you sleep well in every night of yours cause we all know you're having your karma.
(note that i'm not cursing, complaining or whatsoever in this post. i'm only writing.)

Dear (your name here)

flashback (plural: flashbacks)

1. a dramatic device in which an earlier event is inserted into the normal chronological flow of a narrative
2. (psychology) a vivid mental image of a past trauma, especially one that recurs
3. a similar recurrence of the effects of a hallucinogenic drug
   

saya baru aja search arti kata flashback secara harafiah, dan ini yang muncul waktu saya coba search di Wiktionary. (okay, yang terakhir agak berlebihan, dan kata trauma sepertinya bukan arti yang saya inginkan untuk muncul..) well, kenapa saya bahas flashback? apa karena saya baru mendengar kata itu dan ga tau artinya sampe saya bela-belain nyari artinya di interntet? tentu bukan! saya udah denger kata ini berkali-kali, jauh sebelum saya memutuskan untuk nyari artinya, which means hari ini. saya bahas flashback adalah karena saya baru aja nyadar kalo beberapa hari terakhir ini saya terlalu sering flashback.. yeah, i know thats never been good! at least for me..
jadi, apa yang menyebabkan saya sering flashback akhir-akhir ini? hmm.. to be honest, i dont even know exactly why! mungkin karena akhir-akhir ini saya ga banyak berkegiatan, ditambah dengan pikiran "high school is over, high school is over", ditambah lagi dengan ketakutan berlebihan soal seberapa jauh saya dan teman-teman bakal terpisah, whoa! i hate those thoughts!
and for making it worse, tiba-tiba saya inget sama (ehem!) mantan saya. bukan "inget", tapi inget dalam arti sebenernya. saya tiba-tiba inget sama larangan dia untuk sekolah jauh. saya tiba-tiba inget sama semua lagu yang pernah dia kasih ke saya (dari yang paling aneh sampe yang paling meaningful buat saya pada waktu itu). saya tiba-tiba inget sama betapa sabarnya saya ngadepin dia pada waktu itu. saya tiba-tiba inget sama momen-momen kami ketawa bareng di mobilnya yang lama. saya tiba-tiba inget betapa seringnya kami pergi muter-muter keliling kota sambil nyanyi-nyanyi ga jelas di mobilnya. saya tiba-tiba inget sama semua kejujuran yang pernah dia akuin ke saya, yang setelah saya pikir-pikir sekarang "why didnt i kill him? that was brutally honest!" (well, dia terlalu jujur untuk cerita soal pengalaman tahun baru 2008 nya di Jakarta. or maybe he was out of control for telling that?) saya tiba-tiba inget sama nickname dia untuk saya yang sekarang jadi sering saya gunakan lagi. and i totally remembered when he switched the radio off and said "listening to our voices is much better." hmm.. saya pikir ini semua mungkin karena saya terlalu tenggelam dalam pikiran tentang semua yang bakal saya tinggalin disini kalo saya beneran kuliah disana. yes, all of the things. the people, the friends, the environment and those sort of things.. well, saya bisa jadi sangat melankolis dan emosional waktu flu. *clears throat*
i think i'd much better stop writing about this now. there's no doubt that i could cry if i keep writing this down.. ahh melancholy!